So it has been over a week since I "got to come home'; and after 71 days in hospital I am really enjoying this place - there is this hunger to be everywhere and be a lot of things, but oddly I want nothing more than to stay at home and not have to answer questions by well-meaning people that look at me with concern and, maybe pity, or at least that is what I have transferred onto them...
I feel there have been lessons learned while I was "healing" - who am I kidding, I am still healing - hopefully by October I might be able to ride my bike - just once before it snows. Just once.
Gilbert was a deep friend, I miss him terribly - I now realize that we would often chat on-line and over the phone and have intimate conversations about our lives and always say let's get together… let's go to a movie… Suzette, Ray and I should have you over for dinner and then life just got in the way.
I think that I have grieved about Gilbert - long before they found his body a month after he went missing and there are still moments when I am pissed off at him because he took his life; times when I am angry at myself for when he said he was sad - or I would ask how he was (knowing that he was down) - but more than anything I miss him and am so sad that he is no longer here and that he was at a place where he thought that this was his only option. Gilbert wanted more than anything to be liked - be popular - to be liked and did so while sacrificing some of himself - but Gilbert's generosity and passion was infectious and I an certain that he reaped so much more. Gilbert and I were friends for 18 years - he was one of my first friends in teh big city of Edmonton and we clicked very early - I will miss him. So my lesson is to tell people who I love more often that I love them and to let them know how important they are in my life.